Joke thread

[Giller]

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

[salty]

Changed me mind. Definitely close this thread!

 

[Giller]

Oh I'm barely started....

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

[5teep]

Popular Hungarian joke just now..

A man comes to the Prime Minister’s office, knocks, walks up to security and says:
— Good afternoon! I’d like to speak with Viktor Orbán.
— He doesn’t work here anymore.
— I see…,” the man says as he leaves, but a minute later he comes back.
— Good afternoon! I’d like to speak with Viktor Orbán.
— Sir, I already told you! He doesn’t work here anymore!
— I understand…, the man says. “It’s just so nice to hear it.”

 

[Giller]

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

 

[siteguru]

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

What's next from your Tim Vine playlist?

 

[Giller]

What's next from your Tim Vine playlist?

He's the gift that keeps on giving so he is.

 

[Black estate]

 

[Susanna]

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ll get rid of him on the weekends.

(Not necessarily my view, but I still thought it was funny)!

 

[Biker67]

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ll get rid of him on the weekends.

(Not necessarily my view, but I still thought it was funny)!

Sea fishing, or even river bank/lake fishing to a lesser extent.
Whilst accompanied by beer & snacks. Is literally as close to God as any Man (or Woman) can get on this earth?

 

[Giller]

(Not necessarily my view, but I still thought it was funny)!

Yeah right

 

[Everest]

Sea fishing... whilst accompanied by beer & snacks, is literally as close to God cod as any Man (or Woman) can get on this earth?

FTFY

 

[MG Clive]

 

[Giller]

View attachment 46702

Oh dear Cod

 

[T1 Terry]

Oh dear Cod

What is it this time Justin?


T1 Terry

 

[Coulomb]

What is it this time Justin?

I think someone has a cod complex.

 

[Giller]

William Shatner tried to start a ladies lingerie company.

Unfortunately Shatner Panties didn't quite take off...

 

[Ian Key]

Here's a list of phrases some people get wrong. The correct phrase is in brackets.

To be pacific (instead of to be specific)
An escape goat (instead of a scapegoat)
Damp squid (instead of damp squib)
Nipped it in the butt (instead of nipped in the bud)
On tender hooks (instead of on tenterhooks)
Cold slaw (instead of coleslaw)
Circus-sized (instead of circumcised)
Got off scotch free (instead of got off scot-free)
To all intensive purposes (instead of to all intents and purposes)
Boo to a ghost (instead of boo to a goose)
Card shark (instead of card sharp)
Hunger pains (instead of hunger pangs)
Tongue and cheek (instead of tongue-in-cheek)
It’s a mute point (instead of moot point)
Pass mustard (instead of pass muster)
Just deserves (instead of just deserts)
Foe par (instead of faux pas)
Biting my time (instead of biding my time)
Curled up in the feeble position (instead of curled up in the foetal position)
Curve your enthusiasm (instead of curb your enthusiasm)
Heimlich remover (instead of Heimlich manoeuvre)
Ex-patriot (instead of expatriate)
Extract revenge (instead of exact revenge)
Self -depreciating (instead of self-deprecating)
As dust fell (instead of as dusk fell)
Last stitch effort (instead of last ditch effort)
Dear Cod (instead of dear God)

 

[Giller]

If you didn’t cut and paste and add the last one you have way too much time on your Hannas.

 

[salty]

Here's a list of phrases some people get wrong. The correct phrase is in brackets.

To be pacific (instead of to be specific)
An escape goat (instead of a scapegoat)
Damp squid (instead of damp squib)
Nipped it in the butt (instead of nipped in the bud)
On tender hooks (instead of on tenterhooks)
Cold slaw (instead of coleslaw)
Circus-sized (instead of circumcised)
Got off scotch free (instead of got off scot-free)
To all intensive purposes (instead of to all intents and purposes)
Boo to a ghost (instead of boo to a goose)
Card shark (instead of card sharp)
Hunger pains (instead of hunger pangs)
Tongue and cheek (instead of tongue-in-cheek)
It’s a mute point (instead of moot point)
Pass mustard (instead of pass muster)
Just deserves (instead of just deserts)
Foe par (instead of faux pas)
Biting my time (instead of biding my time)
Curled up in the feeble position (instead of curled up in the foetal position)
Curve your enthusiasm (instead of curb your enthusiasm)
Heimlich remover (instead of Heimlich manoeuvre)
Ex-patriot (instead of expatriate)
Extract revenge (instead of exact revenge)
Self -depreciating (instead of self-deprecating)
As dust fell (instead of as dusk fell)
Last stitch effort (instead of last ditch effort)
Dear Cod (instead of dear God)

WOW! Ian, don't know who is worse, you for posting all those. Or me for reading, every single one of um.