Cancer Screening

[Archev]

Before I retired I worked in veterinary laboratory diagnostics. You have absolutely no idea.

Nope and I quite enjoy the ignorance

 

[Rolfe]

It was standard protocol to photocopy lab request forms that were grossly contaminated with an objectionable sample so we could throw away the original. Often they had to be rinsed off then put in a polythene envelope to be photocopied.

The postal service is full of this stuff all the time.

 

[Archev]

It was standard protocol to photocopy lab request forms that were grossly contaminated with an objectionable sample so we could throw away the original. Often they had to be rinsed off then put in a polythene envelope to be photocopied.

The postal service is full of this stuff all the time.

I’ll be very wary opening my next Christmas cards if postie arrives in a hazmat suit

 

[Rolfe]

There were occasional complaints from the Post Office. Of course various packaging solutions are available that are designed to contain nasty samples, but vets don't always pay attention to this. Farmers are worse. A lot worse. The cancer screening kits are well packaged and only contain a smear of sample anyway.

Believe me, the PO knows very well what's in these envelopes.

 

[Archev]

There were occasional complaints from the Post Office. Of course various packaging solutions are available that are designed to contain nasty samples, but vets don't always pay attention to this. Farmers are worse. A lot worse. The cancer screening kits are well packaged and only contain a smear of sample anyway.

Believe me, the PO knows very well what's in these envelopes.

Smear ??? You mean I shouldn’t have sent the whole bucket ???

 

[johnb80]

The postal service is full of this stuff all the time.

The government too

 

[Archev]

I just see that fabulous Doric poem about the Farmer’s solution to the camper invasion. Cracks me up every time.

 

[Slipstream]

Update Ladies and Gents,
I now have my appointment, 31st July, I had a telephone conversation with the staff and expressed my wishes for a female Colonoscopist and no sedation which they said no problem. They also told me they use CO2 to inflate my colon as required and this is more comfortable than the normal air that is used in many units. I have some wonderful laxative to take the day before and on the day, 'Plenvu' which is apparently better tasting and less of it needed compared to the other options.

That laxative is Dynamite stay close to your loo

 

[securespark]

I didn't find the biopsy too distressing, embarrassing maybe . The route I had was......

I thought the usual route was where the sun don't shine?

Got another joke for you....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's one day. As she laid it on the examination table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm very sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and led it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm really very sorry, but as I said, your duck is most definitely dead. There is nothing I can do for your duck.

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1500!" she cried, "£1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have only been £50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it increased to £1500."

 

[Rolfe]

I thought the usual route was where the sun don't shine?

Got another joke for you....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's one day. As she laid it on the examination table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm very sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and led it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm really very sorry, but as I said, your duck is most definitely dead. There is nothing I can do for your duck.

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1500!" she cried, "£1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have only been £50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it increased to £1500."

I fell out of my cradle laughing at that one...

 

[Alb]

I thought the usual route was where the sun don't shine?

The "Usual" route is through the perineum.

 

[securespark]

Really?

That's not what my specialist told me. Is that a new procedure?

 

[Gadget Geek]

The "Usual" route is through the perineum.

Depends on the hospital protocol.

 

[Archev]

The "Usual" route is through the perineum.

I’m having a wee squirm at the thought of that. Does that make me a coward

 

[securespark]

No!

And I have had a procedure carried out on my brain while I was awake that involved drilling into the skull with a squeaky hand drill and then inserting a probe!

 

[Archev]

No!

And I have had a procedure carried out on my brain while I was awake that involved drilling into the skull with a squeaky hand drill and then inserting a probe!

I’ve always been confused about that sort of thing. Why are lobotomies carried out in the head ?

 

[Alb]

Depends on the hospital protocol.

Standard in my part of the world.

 

[Archev]

Standard in my part of the world.

Look - I can’t cross my legs any tighter. I’m just a coward OK ?

 

[Alb]

You can ask for it to be done under general anaesthetic but local is the norm.
Still hurts though

 

[Archev]

You can ask for it to be done under general anaesthetic but local is the norm.
Still hurts though

With my pain threshold you’re not helping at all here