Post your favourite joke! Keep it clean and PC!

[Cocijo]

What’s the difference between capitalism and communism?
Under capitalism man exploits man.
Under communism, it’s the opposite

 

[chowbenter]

Was in York and asked a lad in one of the shops where I could find towels. Long story short I'm now in the bird sanctuary.

 

[Archev]

Inferiority complex



What the heck am I doing wrong ?

My ev’s supposed to explode

Or maim the pedestrian throng

When I silently drive down the road



If there’s one thing I cannot abide

When I plug the car in for a fill

It’s missing that smell of petroleum

As I stand in that diesely spill



I regret all the carparks I’ve crushed

And those battery mountains I make

And the bridges I’ve crossed in a rush

‘Cos they crumble to dust in my wake



I’m told I can’t change the exhaust

To one wilder and raucous and fun

So I’ll rapidly go and get lost

‘fore the power runs out in the sun

 

[Cocijo]

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes

 

[Ruislip Resident]

Q. What do call a man with a d**k on
his head?

A. Geoff or Mac (delete as appropriate)

 

[Gadget Geek]

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender;

"Has my brother been in here?"

"Dunno", the bartender replies, "what's he look like?"

 

[Nicko]

How do you know a blonde has been on your computer?

There is Tipex on the screen;

How do you know another blonde has been on your computer?

There is writing on the Tipex

 

[Cocijo]

Last night my obese parrot died. Fortunately it was a huge weight off my shoulders.

 

[Gadget Geek]

This one's a bit topical;

An EV fire in a multi-storey car park. That is wrong on so many different levels. (Copyright Tim Vine)

 

[tsedge]

What do you call a bunch of MG4 owners who don't know how to disable LKA?

Spoiler

Survivors

 

[Cocijo]

What do you call a bunch of MG4 owners who don't know how to disable LKA?

Spoiler

Survivors

is the answer MG design engineers?

 

[Tommy]

Science joke:

Why did the Higgs boson become a priest?
...
So it could give mass.

 

[Tommy]

Another Science joke:

The barman says "What are you having?"
...
A Tachyon walks into a bar.

 

[Tommy]

One of Tim Vine's classics:

My dog Minton ate one of my shuttlecocks ...
...
...
Bad Minton !

 

[Gadget Geek]

A proton walks into a bar.
"I'm looking for an electron, I lost it in here yesterday."
"Are you sure?" the barman asked.
"Yes, I'm positive."

 

[siteguru]

I've a mate who's a bit of an alcy. He told his missus he was going to the pub and she said "If you come back drunk again then I'm kicking you out!"

So off he trots to the pub where he inevitably gets trolleyed, and then barfed down his jacket.

"Oh no! What am I going to do? The wife will kick me out!"
"Here - take a £20 note and stick it in your inside jacket pocket. When your wife starts having a go, just ask her to look and when she finds the £20 just say that you got it from the guy who barfed on you to cover the dry cleaning bill"
"Great idea" he says, and then pops off home.

When he got home it all transpired as expected ... "You're drunk! Look at the state of you!" ... "But it wasn't me! Check the inside pocket - there's a £20 note there from the guy who barfed on me" ... "OK, but why is there another £20 note there?" ... "Oh, that's from the guy who shat in my pants"

 

[CuriousIslander]

Young child out shopping with mother. Child grizzling and moaning "I want to go to McDonalds" Mother repeatedly says "No". Mother eventually relents "OK but only if you can spell McDonalds" Child pauses for a little while then - "I've changed my mind. Can we go to KFC?"

 

[Cocijo]

"I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can't run."

 

[Cocijo]

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

 

[chowbenter]