I've a mate who's a bit of an alcy. He told his missus he was going to the pub and she said "If you come back drunk again then I'm kicking you out!"
So off he trots to the pub where he inevitably gets trolleyed, and then barfed down his jacket.
"Oh no! What am I going to do? The wife will kick me out!"
"Here - take a £20 note and stick it in your inside jacket pocket. When your wife starts having a go, just ask her to look and when she finds the £20 just say that you got it from the guy who barfed on you to cover the dry cleaning bill"
"Great idea" he says, and then pops off home.
When he got home it all transpired as expected ... "You're drunk! Look at the state of you!" ... "But it wasn't me! Check the inside pocket - there's a £20 note there from the guy who barfed on me" ... "OK, but why is there another £20 note there?" ... "Oh, that's from the guy who shat in my pants"
Young child out shopping with mother. Child grizzling and moaning "I want to go to McDonalds" Mother repeatedly says "No". Mother eventually relents "OK but only if you can spell McDonalds" Child pauses for a little while then - "I've changed my mind. Can we go to KFC?"
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
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