Joke thread

[LenEV2016]

My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane…

I can't see it taking off!

 

[Big Ears]

 

[salty]

 

[Big Ears]

On some Audis the second click engages a deadlock.

 

[LenEV2016]

An Irish man walks into a pub and orders three pints of Guinness.

The bartender sets them down, and the man sips from each pint in turn — a sip from the first, a sip from the second, a sip from the third — then repeats, round and round, until all three are empty.

Then he orders three more.

“You know,” says the bartender, “you don’t have to order three at once. I’ll keep an eye on you and bring you a fresh one when you’re low.”

“You don’t understand,” the man says. “I have two brothers — one in Australia, one in the States. We promised that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, they’re in their local pubs, sipping on three Guinness too.”

“Wow, that’s a wonderful tradition!” the bartender says.

For weeks, the man comes in every Saturday night and orders three pints. Same time. Same stool. Same routine. One sip from the first, one from the second, one from the third.

Then one Saturday, the bartender notices something’s changed. The man orders only two pints. He drinks them the same way — alternating sips — and when they’re empty, he orders two more.

The next week, it’s the same thing. And the week after that. Finally, one quiet evening, the bartender sets the glasses down and leans in. “I couldn’t help but notice… you’ve only been ordering two lately. I think I know what that means, and I’m very sorry for your loss.”

The man looks up, completely calm. “Oh, my brothers are fine,” he says. “I just quit drinking.”

 

[salty]

 

[T1 Terry]

By 2050, can you imagine trying to find your Big Mac amongst the wrapping in the box, then not biting you finger as you try to get it from your fingertips and into your mouth ...... maybe they will come with a set of bamboo tweezers so you hold onto it ...... or you could just suck it up with one of those monster straws, if they made them eatable, they could just assemble the Big Mac in the straw ..... but then, they'd have to make the Big Mac eatable as well

T1 Terry

 

[Archev]

By 2050, can you imagine trying to find your Big Mac amongst the wrapping in the box, then not biting you finger as you try to get it from your fingertips and into your mouth ...... maybe they will come with a set of bamboo tweezers so you hold onto it ...... or you could just suck it up with one of those monster straws, if they made them eatable, they could just assemble the Big Mac in the straw ..... but then, they'd have to make the Big Mac eatable as well

T1 Terry

I’ll be more concerned about the size and structural soundness of my cake then - that’s gonna need to support 101 candles.
Mind you birthdays might be banned by then due to global warming risk

 

[T1 Terry]

I’ll be more concerned about the size and structural soundness of my cake then - that’s gonna need to support 101 candles.
Mind you birthdays might be banned by then due to global warming risk

Will you be close enough for the telegram to be hand delivered? I'll only be 95 (just had to check that on the calculator, aren't these new fangled 'puter amazing) so who knows if Maccas will even make the "BIG" Mac by then, or it might even be "The Big Illusion" burger by then ..... you think you ate a burger, your bank account says you paid for a burger, but the heartburn and blotted feeling isn't there ...... Maybe the Deja - Vu burger meal, you aren't sure if you have already eaten, was about to eat it .... or if you even collected your order

T1 Terry

 

[T1 Terry]

I’ll be more concerned about the size and structural soundness of my cake then - that’s gonna need to support 101 candles.
Mind you birthdays might be banned by then due to global warming risk

Candles probably will be, especially that many

T1 Terry

 

[decrep]

I doubt I'll be here to worry, 105 doesn't sound feasible.

 

[T1 Terry]

I doubt I'll be here to worry, 105 doesn't sound feasable

Will you still be wind surfing? Just trying to picture what a mobility windsurfing board would look like, wheels under the pontoons hanging out each side, the whole lot slides back into the centre for transport .... yeah, you'll be fine ..... not sure they'll still be renewing my heavy combination licence though ..... I'll cross that bridge when they build it

T1 Terry

 

[Ian Key]

 

[Everest]

Mind you birthdays might be banned by then due to global warming risk

No.. you just need to move with the times. Candles will all be LED based by then, powered by home storage sodium ion batteries which cover the gaps when your home, fridge-sized nuclear generator is not generating.

If you want use real fire in your home you will:-
a) need to apply in advance for a licence under Fire Safety (2048) regulations
b) pay a 3 Yuan levy - per candle, or part thereof - that the Government's Chancellor AI bot Rachel imposed for all of us in the People's Republic of Great Britain Budget of 2049.

 

[Archev]

No.. you just need to move with the times. Candles will all be LED based by then, powered by home storage sodium ion batteries which cover the gaps when your home, fridge-sized nuclear generator is not generating.

If you want use real fire in your home you will:-
a) need to apply in advance for a licence under Fire Safety (2048) regulations
b) pay a 3 Yuan levy - per candle, or part thereof - that the Government's Chancellor AI bot Rachel imposed for all of us in the People's Republic of Great Britain Budget of 2049.

Life’s good then ?

 

[OriginalBigAl]

I’ll be more concerned about the size and structural soundness of my cake then - that’s gonna need to support 101 candles.
Mind you birthdays might be banned by then due to global warming risk

Go binary , you'll only need 5.

 

[Everest]

Go binary , you'll only need 5.

Hmm... not sure you deserved the "" emoji...

I make it 7 candles, 4 illuminated, 3 not.

1100101

= 64+32+4+1

 

[salty]

I doubt I'll be here to worry, 105 doesn't sound feasible.

Candles or you?

 

[decrep]

Candles or you?

probably both

 

[Archev]

probably both

Admit nothing