Joke thread

[T1 Terry]

The judge looks over his half glasses at the man in the docks .... how could you deliberately kill 24 people?
No, that's not how it was, there were two blokes walking across the road heading towards a restaurant with people dining outside ..... I attempt to brake but the pedal goes to the floor .... if I swerve, I'll plough into the restaurant, if I don't I'm gunna clean up the two blokes ......what would you do ...

Well, probably head for the two blokes crossing the road and causing you to either brake hard or swerve says the judge

Exactly as I decided to do in the split second I had to make such a serious decision ....

So, what happened ...

Well, I hit one, but the other one made a mad dash for the restaurant, so I had no choice but to follow him .....

T1 Terry

 

[salty]

 

[salty]

 

[Archev]

View attachment 43792

Brilliant but I’ll need to translate it for my Granddaughter who plays softball for her school team.
How about “ have you seen a soccer pitch? “ nah it works if you say football but they’ve no idea what that is over there. I’ll just send your fantastic one Salty but will they know what cricket is

 

[T1 Terry]

Brilliant but I’ll need to translate it for my Granddaughter who plays softball for her school team.
How about “ have you seen a soccer pitch? “ nah it works if you say football but they’ve no idea what that is over there. I’ll just send your fantastic one Salty but will they know what cricket is

Yeah, it's that noisy insect that starts up as soon as you turn the lights off.
JayCar (an electronics shop over here) had a kit you could make up and it would only activate after 5 mins in the dark, great for pranking the poor bugger who had to get up early so went to bed well before everyone else ......
As soon as he turned the light on, the thing would shut down, so he couldn't pin point where it was ..... we all had a great laugh once he found it ..... well, all but one of us

T1 Terry

 

[MG Clive]

One big difference between men and women, if a woman says 'smell this', it probably smells nice.

 

[Ian Key]

A wife calls her husband saying the car won't work. He said she has to sit on the other side when he's not with her.

 

[salty]

A wife calls her husband saying the car won't work. He said she has to sit on the other side when he's not with her.

Took a while.

 

[siteguru]

A wife calls a garage to ask for advice on topping up engine oil. They tell her how to remove and clean the dipstick and push it in again (then out) to check the level. She does this and they confirm the oil needs topping up.

They then tell her to remove the OIL cap and pour in some oil from the bottle ... she looks and says "I don't have an OIL cap - the only similar cap I can see is labelled 710".

 

[T1 Terry]

A few wise words I've picked up over the yrs

Without freedom of speech, it would be a lot harder to pick out the idiots ........

So many people appear to be bright, until they speak and you immediately realise the error you were about to make by talking to them ......

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than opening your mouth and removing all doubt"

We can all learn something from these ancient pieces of wisdom passed down through the yrs ......
on billboards and T shirts

T1 Terry

 

[Micropop]

Mom was helping her 7 year old with homework.
She asks him:

• What's your favourite letter?
• The letter G
• And why is that, Angus?

 

[Micropop]

A man walks by a food truck and reads the menu.
"Cheeseburger £5"
"French fries £3"
"Handjob £20"

He walks up to the window and ask the beautiful blonde working behind the counter:
-"Are you the one giving the handjobs?"
- "Yes I am!" she responds seductively

-"Well, wash your hands! I Want a cheeseburger!"

 

[Micropop]

My wife walked out on me after I spent most of our savings on a penis extension.
She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

 

[Micropop]

View attachment 28794

And before you know it, you might stumble upon someone who's name is Odd Willy.

 

[Micropop]

Sorry. What about this one then...

A British man arrives at the Sydney international airport from England. The Australian immigration worker was reviewing his documents and inquired if he had a criminal record. The British man responded “No. Is that still required?”

I'm dying!