Joke thread

[salty]

Worst Amusement Park, ever!

 

[salty]

 

[Giller]

Been a hard day, just broke up with my partner Lorraine after 4 years being together, six months ago I met a lovely lady called Claire Lee through work, perfectly innocent but one thing led to another and both of us realised we were meant for each other.

Wish us luck.

Sings: “I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone”.

 

[Giller]

How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down 4 skin divers.

I'll get me coat....

 

[Giller]

Quiet Wednesday afternoon, white horse walks into a bar, Mein Host polishing glasses cause it's quiet as I said.

"Afternoon" said the horse.

"Afternoon" said Mein Host " what's your pleasure" (business is business)

"Well I'm not 100% sure" said the horse ""but I have a hankering for a whiskey, over ice, tall glass" said the horse.

"Really" said Mein Host " you're in luck, we actually have a whisky here with your name on it"

Said the horse "What, Eric?"

 

[Giller]

I think I might be addicted to brake fluid, but it's ok.... I can stop at any time

 

[Ian Key]

The police are looking for a man with one eye called Brian.

They don't know what the other eye is called.

 

[Giller]

As loving parents in the Victorian era, Mr and Mrs Bates were looking at options for a boarding school for their son.

Having done their research in a pre-internet age they selected a school and set off with their son and daughter to meet the headmaster.

Settled in the headmasters study, the gentleman arrived, an imposing figure, tall, broad shouldered and sporting a bushy bread.

“Good afternoon head master, I’m Henry Bates, this is my wife Mrs Bates, my daughter Miss Bates, and my son Master Bates”

“Oh does he, we’ll soon put a stop to that here.”

Edit moderator: "there" → "their" twice.

 

[Giller]

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow, your absolutely gorgeous. How come your still single?" It's spelled "you're", I replied.

 

[Gomev]

As loving parents in the Victorian era, Mr and Mrs Bates we’re looking at options for a boarding school for there son.

Having done there research in a pre Internet age they selected a school and set off with their son and daughter to meet the headmaster.

Settled in the headmasters study, the gentleman arrived, an imposing figure, tall, broad showered sporting a bushy bread.

“Good afternoon head master, I’m Henry Bates, this is my wife Mrs Bates, my daughter Miss Bates, and my son Master Bates”

“Oh does he, we’ll soon put a stop to that here”

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow, your absolutely gorgeous. How come your still single?" It's spelled "you're", I replied.

and in the same vein, it's spelled "their"....I replied

 

[Giller]

and in the same vein, it's spelled "their"....I replied

I'm invoking the lack of sobriety defence and predictive text.

 

[T1 Terry]

I'm invoking the lack of sobriety defence and predictive text.

Don't go blaming the highly intelligent predictive text, it has the ability to turn a bland boring text into one with quite a meaning

T1 Terry

 

[Giller]

Don't go blaming the highly intelligent predictive text, it has the ability to turn a bland boring text into one with quite a meaning

T1 Terry

Oh tell me about it, turned Public into Pubic on a Powerpoint presentation I was making and I didn't realise until I was making it!

 

[T1 Terry]

Oh tell me about it, turned Public into Pubic on a Powerpoint presentation I was making and I didn't realise until I was making it!

So to speak, a bit like the Monty Python Sex education class for the upper class private school students
Warning, it might be a tad "steamy" for some members, but it is good British humour after all, but be warned before you open the link

T1 Terry

 

[Everest]

Oh tell me about it, turned Public into Pubic on a Powerpoint presentation I was making and I didn't realise until I was making it!

I guess it just picks the word that it anticipates you type the most

 

[Archev]

Huh - we got double maths on Tuesdays