Joke thread

[Archev]

The ciabatta loaf is fine
The heel I cut off thickly
Says I I think I’ll toast ye
An’ spread ye up right quickly
Toasting was done in a toaster
An’ no’ the fires o’ hell
Ah dinnae like it blackened
So that wis just as well
I scarted on some margarine
Just to seal the surface right
Then opened up the jar
To add the Vegemite
But though I scraped
And spun my spoon aboot
It quickly dawned - it was empty
Skullduggery was afoot
I searched again the fridge
And then the cupboard store Then scanned across the table
Where sat the new jar, silly fool, dementia looms, I knew I had more

 

[OriginalBigAl]

View attachment 39148

Beware legally binding gobblygook, What you thought it said, is not a defence, is or it.

 

[Everest]

View attachment 39148

oh well, as they say.. 'two out of three ain't bad' - but you got me on the 2nd line

 

[salty]

 

[MG Clive]

I wonder if Songbirds get annoyed with Hummingbirds for not knowing the words.

 

[Archev]

View attachment 39190

Nah the other team just bricked it.

 

[MG Clive]

Nah the other team just bricked it.

Maybe they were all stoned.

 

[Archev]

Folks, you need a bit of a giggle on the weekend.

The Inverary Incident

(We're stil-to-nervous to handle a spoon.)

As we sat in Inverary
With a beer or two imbibed
We pondered on the menu
And the goodies shown inside
Now we knew that it was usual
With an ice cream treat or tart
To use a spoon to eat them
That's the usual way to start
But we wanted not their chocolate
Their fruit nor sorbet freeze
What really took our fancy
Was the lure of heav'nly cheese
So we ordered it between us
From the waiter, lovely fellow
And sat anticipating
Fine Stilton, fresh and mellow
That cheese arrived untarnished
Not a mark upon its skin
Presented on a platter
What delight must lie within?
We'd walked all day in Crerae
In the gardens of that name
Through groves of rhododendrons
All in shades of pink and flame
Our cheeks glowed from the excercise
From drink our nebs the same.
The flower's hue is fixed and set
By natures master plan
But exertion and excitement
Are what blush the face of man
Our exertion I have listed
Came from walking overland
The excitement that I mention
Was the wrath of the serving man
He stopped bye in the passing
Enquiring how we fared
More oat cakes were we needing ?.....

Then he stopped .... and stood ..... And stared .....

The heckles rose, his face ignited
Burning redder than the sun
In disbelief his eyes took in
A sight that left him stunned
He'd proudly served his Stilton curd
With a spoon to shave with ease
Thus as the diners worked away
They'd hollow out the cheese
But no such gentle
touch we knew
As we ruined that man's life
We cleft his cheese asunder

And destroyed it .....With a KNIFE !!

The anguish in his soul
Such pain no man can bear
He evidently loved that cheese
And we'd murdered it right there
Now ever more in Scottish lore
We're cursed by the Argyle fairies
To repent our sins to the Stilton kings
We blasphemed in Inveraray.

 

[Coulomb]

To add the Vegemite

There's a Vegemite fan up top?

How thick do you spread it?

 

[Archev]

There's a Vegemite fan up top?

How thick do you spread it?

I’m afraid I’m more of a splodger. I’ve never been able to spread the stuff

 

[decrep]

[quote} Archev said.
I’m afraid I’m more of a splodger. I’ve never been able to spread the stuff {/quote]
Oh No splodged Vegemite. How can you do that?
You need to spread it real thin, don't worry about a nice even thickness, just scrape it for all it's worth.

 

[OriginalBigAl]

Stood in line in one of the two queues for the checkouts at my local Super U today. The other queue contained a late 30s guy and his 11 ish daughter . The father wandered off to look at some extra items on nearby shelving and the daughter said in a loudish voice " Papa " , "Nicole " came the reply....... Well , I had to follow them out ......... just to see......... Doh!.... Peugeot 2006.
That's the trouble today...... no traditional values.

 

[salty]

 

[Archev]

View attachment 39274

Hope they’ve chalked them on the road

 

[salty]

Think, we've all done this at least once, as kids.

 

[Alb]

That's a long way from my most painful bike accident

 

[salty]

That's a long way from my most painful bike accident

Ouch! Three Adams Apples.

 

[OriginalBigAl]

Showing off to friends , did a wheelie on my chopper ( no innuendo please ) when my flares got caught up on the chainguard, more embarrassing than painful but didn't end well. And that was only last week!

 

[Archev]

Showing off to friends , did a wheelie on my chopper ( no innuendo please ) when my flares got caught up on the chainguard, more embarrassing than painful but didn't end well. And that was only last week!

A …….oops innuendo prohibition noted and obeyed.
No my lips are sealed - like your flares ought to have been

 

[MG Clive]

Showing off to friends , did a wheelie on my chopper ( no innuendo please ) when my flares got caught up on the chainguard, more embarrassing than painful but didn't end well. And that was only last week!

I never could wheelie my chopper, but the flares were a bloody nightmare, this is me with chopper and flares.