Joke thread

[LenEV2016]

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"​

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

 

[T1 Terry]

Love the old jokes, still funny no matter how many times they are repeated

T1 Terry

 

[salty]

 

[T1 Terry]

What's an EVRI? We have Aust Post and Startrek (Startrack but your parcel still travels around the universe, just not at light speed) Toll is another big one, and a few smaller delivery mobs, but if you didn't sign for it, you never received it ......

If we aren't here when the driver turns up, the parcel goes to the post office, if it's a bulky or heavy delivery, they have to ring us the day before to make arrangements, no phone call and authorisation to deliver, tough luck if they have to make a second trip, they can't charge extra .....

T1 Terry

 

[MG Clive]

What's an EVRI?

EVRI is one of our UK courier companies, unfortunately they are 'famous' for not being very good.

 

[LenEV2016]

EVRI is one of our UK courier companies, unfortunately they are 'famous' for not being very good.

In fact they lose EVRI parcel!!

 

[MG Clive]

In fact they lose EVRI parcel!!

Ahhh, that's why they changed their name from Hermes.

 

[LenEV2016]

A man goes into a bar with his small pet newt called Tiny. “A pint for me and a half for Tiny, please,” he says to the landlord.

The landlord asks, “Why do you name him Tiny?”

The man replies, “Because he’s my newt.”

 

[T1 Terry]

They don't get much older than that one

T1 Terry

 

[T1 Terry]

Fella comes home after a very tiring day at work, to find his wife in a skimpy black negligée and a $50 note screwed up sticking out of her cleavage .....

The husband is immediately feeling a lot better and glad to be home with such a sexy wife ......
She removes the top half on the negligée and the note falls on the floor "ever wondered what $50 crumpled up looks like?"

He is getting very aroused and notices the corner of a $100 note just visible sticking out of a very brief G string .......

She drops the G string to the floor and the note along with it " Every wondered what $100 crumped up looks like?"

His knees are shaking now as he picks up the two articles of sexy night wear and the two crumped up $$ notes .......

As she seductively walks toward the bedroom with the husband now so excited he can't think of anything else that what he wants to do to his now naked wife ..... she casually calls over her shoulder and says "If you want to see what $150,000 crumped up looks like, they towed the Lexus to the panel beaters"

T1 Terry