Joke thread

[Ian Key]

If empires are run by emperors

And kingdoms are run by kings

Who are countries run by?



A. Governments.

 

[T1 Terry]

If empires are run by emperors

And kingdoms are run by kings

Who are countries run by?



A. Governments.

Complete numpties. In reality big business, a ratio of 50:1 behind the scenes' pulling strings of the puppets the people thought they elected to do what was right by the people and country ......

But then, that answer isn't something you could laugh about is it ......

So maybe the natural progression with word association ..........

T1 Terry

 

[JohnV6]

 

[T1 Terry]

The Rock Johnston, Rocky Stallone and Arnie The terminator, are all drinking and talking about their favourite classical composers (you can tell it's a joke already) then they decide they will roll play their favourite composer, The Rock says, I'll be Beethoven, Rocky nods and says something they decided sounded like Mozart, Arnie thinks about it for a moment, then in his best Terminator voice says "I'll be Bach"

T1 Terry

 

[Archev]

That’s in tune with the rest of your jokes Terry

 

[Archev]

On nocturnal manoeuvres, this cheap rate cheapskate was awakened primarily by my nose twitching at the fresh bread smell permeating through the house. I have removed that bonny seeded white loaf and recharged the pan with ingredients for a wholemeal bread which will just be ready to twitch the old nasal passages again just as the power tariff changes from 7 to 28.43 pence per unit daytime rate.
The car is feeding happily at 7.2kW and the Vtoman power bank is drawing 300 Watts at 72% currently on its way to assist in making my porridge and coffee at breakfast, heat my soup for lunch, and would then normally cook my evening meal. However I’m meeting my Daughter and her dog for dinner tonight which is why I’m making an extra bread for her.
I’ll now snatch a couple more hours of zzzzz’s -
good night

 

[Ian Key]

However I’m meeting my Daughter and her dog for dinner tonight

I take it you are not keen on her boyfriend?

 

[EVsince2016]

I take it you are not keen on her boyfriend?

That's very politically incorrect. Young people now have dogs, or sometimes a "partner", never a boyfriend!

 

[Ian Key]

That's very politically incorrect. Young people now have dogs, or sometimes a "partner", never a boyfriend!

 

[T1 Terry]

The old joke about the lady complaining about the new car using a lot of fuel compared to the she traded old car and it was leaving black soot stains up the back of the car.
The mechanic drives it into the workshop and after running a bit rough, it settles down to run quite nicely. He figures it probably needs an Italian tune up because the lady doesn't drive it hard enough, he gives it heaps up the road and did notice all the black smoke behind .... but it cleared after a block or so and ran like charm.

Returns to the workshop and parks the car. The lady returns, thanks them very much, backs out from the parking spot and the car starts to run a bit rough and blow black smoke .....
Sure enough, the lady returns the next day, same problem and the pattern repeats for a week or more.
In desperation to see if he can see what the problem is, he sits in the passenger seat and tells the lady to start the car and drive off as she usually would.

She pulls the choke all the way out and hangs her bag on it, then starts the engine ....... turns to the mechanic and mentions that at least this car does blow cold air on her legs when she's driving ......

T1 Terry

 

[siteguru]

NSFW

 

[EVsince2016]

The old joke about the lady complaining about the new car using a lot of fuel compared to the she traded old car and it was leaving black soot stains up the back of the car.
The mechanic drives it into the workshop and after running a bit rough, it settles down to run quite nicely. He figures it probably needs an Italian tune up because the lady doesn't drive it hard enough, he gives it heaps up the road and did notice all the black smoke behind .... but it cleared after a block or so and ran like charm.

Returns to the workshop and parks the car. The lady returns, thanks them very much, backs out from the parking spot and the car starts to run a bit rough and blow black smoke .....
Sure enough, the lady returns the next day, same problem and the pattern repeats for a week or more.
In desperation to see if he can see what the problem is, he sits in the passenger seat and tells the lady to start the car and drive off as she usually would.

She pulls the choke all the way out and hangs her bag on it, then starts the engine ....... turns to the mechanic and mentions that at least this car does blow cold air on her legs when she's driving ......

T1 Terry

So pre 1980s

 

[decrep]

He figures it probably needs an Italian tune up because the lady doesn't drive it hard enough, he

T1 Terry

Gave my GTV such a good Alpha Tune the muffler caught fire! Took ages for all that oil and carbon to burn off. Looked like I was laying a smoke screen.

 

[Black estate]

One from T1 Terry's land

 

[salty]

Think jelly fish, would be the least of ya, worries.

 

[T1 Terry]

They both kill, the jelly fish stinger will definitely get you, the croc may not bother if it's not hungry or hunting ... Many stories of crocs leaving tracks past tents because the are after something that smells dead further inland. Crocs don't eat fresh meat, it they grab you, they will roll with you until you drown, then store you under a submerged log of rock shelf until you soften and taste better .... think of a dog burying a bone so it matures .....

What happens if you get stung by an Irukandji?

The person may or may not feel a mild pain at the sting site and develop a goose bump-like skin reaction. After about 30 minutes symptoms worsen to include severe limb, abdominal and back pain, anxiety, headache, vomiting, profuse sweating and sometimes difficulty breathing.
If you are still in the water at this stage, you will drown

T1 Terry

 

[Archev]

They both kill, the jelly fish stinger will definitely get you, the croc may not bother if it's not hungry or hunting ... Many stories of crocs leaving tracks past tents because the are after something that smells dead further inland. Crocs don't eat fresh meat, it they grab you, they will roll with you until you drown, then store you under a submerged log of rock shelf until you soften and taste better .... think of a dog burying a bone so it matures .....

What happens if you get stung by an Irukandji?

The person may or may not feel a mild pain at the sting site and develop a goose bump-like skin reaction. After about 30 minutes symptoms worsen to include severe limb, abdominal and back pain, anxiety, headache, vomiting, profuse sweating and sometimes difficulty breathing.
If you are still in the water at this stage, you will drown

T1 Terry

You’re a cheery soul today

 

[T1 Terry]

Anything in Australia falls into two categories. If it's not trying to kill you:

It can't

It has determined you aren't worth the effort



T1 Terry

 

[Archev]

Anything in Australia falls into two categories. If it's not trying to kill you:

It can't

It has determined you aren't worth the effort



T1 Terry

At least our midges always think we’re worth the effort

 

[T1 Terry]

At least they don't kill us over here, the mozzies have 4 different ways they can kill you

T1 Terry