Post your favourite joke! Keep it clean and PC!

[Fiver]

5 ants rented a flat with another 5 ants.

Now they’re tenants.

 

[siteguru]

 

[Archev]

The recent stories about spooky window opening mysteries reminded me of a fabulous wee tale from a Doric poet in the north east. I’m not sure why these windows were open but you’ll hear what happened if you can read down through the whole sorry episode.
With apologies that it’s a bit long but …
Enjoy

CAMPERS

I’m nae a lad that scumfishes
I’ve seen my share o’ clort
I dinna mind the daily bind
A’m nae the sit saft sort
My life hasna been connached
Wi’ petit fours and champers
No, the only sort pits me aff my stot
Is a wheen o’ clarty campers
Ah ferm three hunner acres
In a corner of the Howe
The land is kinda bosied
Whar the river sterts tae bow
There’s trees and little birdies
An’ wild flooers by an’ by
It’s a Bonny kinda corner
Fan the sun’s high in the sky
We’d had four months o’ lockdown
Fan they showed up in the park
Young kids, twa, then three
Oot on the spree, toonsers on a lark
Loons an’ quines the gither
An affa wheen o’ drinkers
A hellish crew fin they got fu’
A maukit mob o’ mingers
Ah didna like their music
Thon rap, it’s awfae violent
(Ah must confess, if ah hid tae guess
The “C” in rap is silent)
They screamt an’ roart i’ the darkness
The din wis hard tae tholl
An whitiver they were smokin’
It wisna bogey roll
They’d brocht thon tin tray barbecue
An’ even lit a fire
They’d nae brocht ony firewid
But they’d been tae chainsaw hire
Ma richt wee Bonny corner
Shin wis lookin’ like a coup
For what e’r they used and feenished wi’
Jist landed at thur doup !
Bit that wisnae the worst o’t
They were shitin’ in the lang grass
An orra sorta caper
An’ ivry durty dollop crown’d
Wi’ bright pink lavvy paper
It mined me o’ those corals
That ye see in southern oceans
Ah wisna walk-in’ through my park
Ah wis goin’ through their motions
Ah headed doon tae tell them aff
But! afore I could even speak
They chased me aff ma ain grun
Wi a heap o’ bloody cheek
They tellt me that, in Scotland,
They had freedom for tae roam
And, here I’m paraphrasing,
Fan they telt me “to go home”
The cheif-maist een amongst them,
An orra lookin chiel,
Tried tae tell me a’ the richts o’t
As if I were daft, or feel
He laughed at me, an’ got mair beer
Frae oot o’ een ‘ thur hampers
While I just stood there scunnert
At the wayse o’ clarty campers
That nicht, ah laid there ragin’
Ah niver slep’ a wink
Ah could hear them, tae the wee Sma’ oors
Teemin’ a’ that drink
But, by the time the sun was up,
I’d reckoned ivery factor
An’ girded on ma bilersuit
An’ went an’ got my tractor
It was a special kind of wake up call
For I wis in nae hurry
As I drove past slow, in second gear,
Wi’ a tankerload o’ slurry!
The flow rate wis hived tae maximum
Ah’d set it, in the barn
An’ ah carefully sprayed their campsite
Wi eight tons o’ bright green Sharn
I doot it wis the breakfast
For which they had been hopin’
An’ safe tae bet, they micht regret
Leavin car windaes open
One puir loon wis sleepin’ on the grass
He must hae been richt fu’
But now he woke up cowkin’
Wi caffies sharn inside his moo
Am nae sayin’ it wis the richt thing tae dae
In faith, it wis a glorious sight
As the three wee tents
We’re battered flat
Wi’ a tidal wave o’ shite
That morning, they learnt a lesson
A teuchter won’t be scorned
For the welcome that awaits them here
Clarty Campers ! - you’ve been warned !!

 

[Fiver]

It’s taken me 18 months to complete the jigsaw puzzle my wife bought for me for my 67th birthday.

Feeling pretty proud of myself.

It said 3-5 years on the box.

 

[Archev]

It’s taken me 18 months to complete the jigsaw puzzle my wife bought for me for my 67th birthday.

Feeling pretty proud of myself.

It said 3-5 years on the box.

Impressed - well done

 

[ozzz]

The recent stories about spooky window opening mysteries reminded me of a fabulous wee tale from a Doric poet in the north east. I’m not sure why these windows were open but you’ll hear what happened if you can read down through the whole sorry episode.
With apologies that it’s a bit long but …
Enjoy

CAMPERS

I’m nae a lad that scumfishes
I’ve seen my share o’ clort
I dinna mind the daily bind
A’m nae the sit saft sort
My life hasna been connached
Wi’ petit fours and champers
No, the only sort pits me aff my stot
Is a wheen o’ clarty campers
Ah ferm three hunner acres
In a corner of the Howe
The land is kinda bosied
Whar the river sterts tae bow
There’s trees and little birdies
An’ wild flooers by an’ by
It’s a Bonny kinda corner
Fan the sun’s high in the sky
We’d had four months o’ lockdown
Fan they showed up in the park
Young kids, twa, then three
Oot on the spree, toonsers on a lark
Loons an’ quines the gither
An affa wheen o’ drinkers
A hellish crew fin they got fu’
A maukit mob o’ mingers
Ah didna like their music
Thon rap, it’s awfae violent
(Ah must confess, if ah hid tae guess
The “C” in rap is silent)
They screamt an’ roart i’ the darkness
The din wis hard tae tholl
An whitiver they were smokin’
It wisna bogey roll
They’d brocht thon tin tray barbecue
An’ even lit a fire
They’d nae brocht ony firewid
But they’d been tae chainsaw hire
Ma richt wee Bonny corner
Shin wis lookin’ like a coup
For what e’r they used and feenished wi’
Jist landed at thur doup !
Bit that wisnae the worst o’t
They were shitin’ in the lang grass
An orra sorta caper
An’ ivry durty dollop crown’d
Wi’ bright pink lavvy paper
It mined me o’ those corals
That ye see in southern oceans
Ah wisna walk-in’ through my park
Ah wis goin’ through their motions
Ah headed doon tae tell them aff
But! afore I could even speak
They chased me aff ma ain grun
Wi a heap o’ bloody cheek
They tellt me that, in Scotland,
They had freedom for tae roam
And, here I’m paraphrasing,
Fan they telt me “to go home”
The cheif-maist een amongst them,
An orra lookin chiel,
Tried tae tell me a’ the richts o’t
As if I were daft, or feel
He laughed at me, an’ got mair beer
Frae oot o’ een ‘ thur hampers
While I just stood there scunnert
At the wayse o’ clarty campers
That nicht, ah laid there ragin’
Ah niver slep’ a wink
Ah could hear them, tae the wee Sma’ oors
Teemin’ a’ that drink
But, by the time the sun was up,
I’d reckoned ivery factor
An’ girded on ma bilersuit
An’ went an’ got my tractor
It was a special kind of wake up call
For I wis in nae hurry
As I drove past slow, in second gear,
Wi’ a tankerload o’ slurry!
The flow rate wis hived tae maximum
Ah’d set it, in the barn
An’ ah carefully sprayed their campsite
Wi eight tons o’ bright green Sharn
I doot it wis the breakfast
For which they had been hopin’
An’ safe tae bet, they micht regret
Leavin car windaes open
One puir loon wis sleepin’ on the grass
He must hae been richt fu’
But now he woke up cowkin’
Wi caffies sharn inside his moo
Am nae sayin’ it wis the richt thing tae dae
In faith, it wis a glorious sight
As the three wee tents
We’re battered flat
Wi’ a tidal wave o’ shite
That morning, they learnt a lesson
A teuchter won’t be scorned
For the welcome that awaits them here
Clarty Campers ! - you’ve been warned !!

It’s a bit hard for me to understand as I do not speak scotch but sounds fairdinkum to me.

 

[Archev]

It’s a bit hard for me to understand as I do not speak scotch but sounds fairdinkum to me.

The language of the Northeast of Scotland, the Doric is almost a foreign language even to many Scots. Like many Scottish poems it’s best read aloud. And sometimes if you stumble through a word as you fluff it, the meaning sort of appears. I had the introduction to it when I met my Father in Law who haled from Finzean ( pronounced Fingin). I get the feeling many of the translated Doric words are utilised in MG’s Chinese programming

 

[Ian Key]

Most areas of the UK have their own dialect. Here's a bit of Derbyshire

Ay ya ayin' a wesh terday?
Or are ya gunna be dotty?
Ay ya gorra 'anky lad
Cuz ya conk is really snotty,

Gerroff dahn t' shop fer me
An gerra loaf a bread,
Ah'll ay ta pack yer dad up son
Afore ee gets outta bed,

There's a tonip in t' garden lad
Goo an gerrit up fer me
Ah'll mash it in wit 'tatas
An we'll ay it fer us tea,

Gerroff dahn t' school me lad,
Dunna stand there waitin'
Ya know yav gorra go me son
So pack up on ya scraitin',

Ya'rate me owd? It's bin a while
Ain't seen ya round me duck,
Ah'll mash a porra tea fer ya
An nonna that mazzy muck,

Ah'm goin' up t' wooden 'ill
So dunna gerrin me way,
Ah'm gunna kip till mornin' lad
An 'ope ah dunt ova-lay.

 

[Archev]

Most areas of the UK have their own dialect. Here's a bit of Derbyshire

Ay ya ayin' a wesh terday?
Or are ya gunna be dotty?
Ay ya gorra 'anky lad
Cuz ya conk is really snotty,

Gerroff dahn t' shop fer me
An gerra loaf a bread,
Ah'll ay ta pack yer dad up son
Afore ee gets outta bed,

There's a tonip in t' garden lad
Goo an gerrit up fer me
Ah'll mash it in wit 'tatas
An we'll ay it fer us tea,

Gerroff dahn t' school me lad,
Dunna stand there waitin'
Ya know yav gorra go me son
So pack up on ya scraitin',

Ya'rate me owd? It's bin a while
Ain't seen ya round me duck,
Ah'll mash a porra tea fer ya
An nonna that mazzy muck,

Ah'm goin' up t' wooden 'ill
So dunna gerrin me way,
Ah'm gunna kip till mornin' lad
An 'ope ah dunt ova-lay.

Fantastic I love it. I’ve really got to have some of that for the evening meal tonight The “mashed tonip wi’ tatas” sound sublime. My Granny (not on my MG side ) would have called that “clapshot” and I’ll have a side of haggis please.
What a fine method of communication we employ
AND we can travel in Chinese

The language of the Northeast of Scotland, the Doric is almost a foreign language even to many Scots. Like many Scottish poems it’s best read aloud. And sometimes if you stumble through a word as you fluff it, the meaning sort of appears. I had the introduction to it when I met my Father in Law who haled from Finzean ( pronounced Fingin). I get the feeling many of the translated Doric words are utilised in MG’s Chinese programming

For a bit of the Doric as spoken by a native speaker go to u tube “ Ian Middleton reciting one of his hilarious poems - Aul’ Davies Drawers.

 

[salty]

 

[Archev]

I’m confused by all these acronyms

I have one of these items many of you speak about.
Can anybody help with an explanation of how it works?

My Toilet Jam Annihilator doesn’t have an off switch.

 

[Rolfe]

The language of the Northeast of Scotland, the Doric is almost a foreign language even to many Scots. Like many Scottish poems it’s best read aloud. And sometimes if you stumble through a word as you fluff it, the meaning sort of appears. I had the introduction to it when I met my Father in Law who haled from Finzean ( pronounced Fingin). I get the feeling many of the translated Doric words are utilised in MG’s Chinese programming

It is a separate language. It's further from standard English than Norwegian is from Danish, for example. (Yes, I understand it if I hear it, but I find it hard going to read it.)

View attachment 24234

 

[Fiver]

I remember being made to walk the plank when I was little….

We couldn’t afford a dog.

 

[Shrink Proof]

 

[Archev]

You were warned!

 

[OriginalBigAl]

You were warned!

Hogwarts?

 

[Archev]

There's a sign, on a fence, on a path,
That's a total, complete waste of paint,
For the message conveyed thereupon,
For Hillwalking types it just ain't,


They ramble around in a dwam,
Chasing hill tracks that just don't exist,
'Tis my fervent but fond held belief,
That they wander the Scottish hills inebriated.

 

[Fiver]

Apparently, the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve

It was an Apple with very limited memory.

Just one byte and everything crashed.

 

[Rolfe]

That's VERY good!

 

[DaevM]

I've only ever been able to remember one joke in 62.9 years of life, no idea why.
So, here y'go. Please excuse me if you've heard it before ( surprised if you haven't).
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
A: No idea....
Q What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea.
Love it.

Just remembered I also know the "why did the chicken cross the road" joke too