Post your favourite joke! Keep it clean and PC!

[Ian Key]

That'd help with the anxiety about only having a small one* and running out of screen wash.

*Screen wash bottle

 

[Archev]

l

That'd help with the anxiety about only having a small one* and running out of screen wash.

*Screen wash bottle

i suspect you’re in for a wee bit of opposition there ?

 

[Fiver]

My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl?

I said I didn’t know he did !

 

[Fiver]

A friend of mine got kidnapped by some mime artists…..

They did unspeakable things to him.

 

[Ferretusmaximus]

What do nappies and politicians have in common?

They should be changed often and for the same reason.

(Thanks to the late great Barry Cryer)

 

[Fiver]

The invisible man married the invisible girl…

No one saw that happening.

Their kids were nothing to look at either.

 

[Ferretusmaximus]

Surrealist joke from the 70's:

What's the difference between a duck?

Both legs are the same.

 

[Archev]

Surrealist joke from the 70's:

What's the difference between a duck?

Both legs are the same.

That must be off the web surely.

 

[Fiver]

When I was young we had a cat and a dog.

We called the dog "Curiosity"

We didn't have to name the cat.

 

[Archev]

When I was young we had a cat and a dog.

We called the dog "Curiosity"

We didn't have to name the cat.

Not so much a joke as a statement ?. My wife was mad keen on all animals but cats were always top of her list. We were owned by five of them over 55 years.

 

[johnb80]

 

[Ferretusmaximus]

That must be off the web surely.

I was there at the time, the internet didn't exist....

 

[OriginalBigAl]

Surrealist joke from the 70's:

What's the difference between a duck?

Both legs are the same.

Someone has been up in the attic going through old MAD magazines.

 

[Gadget Geek]

Surrealist joke from the 70's:

What's the difference between a duck?

Both legs are the same.

That reminds me of how many surrielist painters does it take to change a light bulb?

A fish!

 

[Archev]

I was there at the time, the internet didn't exist....

Nah I meant the duck’s web - foot ?‍ - och ignore me an’ I’ll go back to sleep ??

 

[Ian Key]

Q: How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?

A: None – it’s a hardware problem.


Q: How much energy performance data does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We’re not sure – we’re still waiting for more information from the engineer.

 

[Gadget Geek]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb's really got to want to change.

 

[Fiver]

The Pope loves cats.

He's a cataholic

 

[Ferretusmaximus]

Nah I meant the duck’s web - foot ?‍ - och ignore me an’ I’ll go back to sleep ??

That would have been the "What's the difference between a spider" joke....

 

[Gadget Geek]

Hello and thank you for calling The NHS Mental Health Service.

Please select from the following options menu:

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
  If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
  If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
  If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship
  If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
  If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
  If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
  If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
  If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
  If you are blonde, don't press any buttons , you'll just mess it up.
  If you are a nymphomaniac, my extension is 327..