Joke thread

[Archev]

This one is for @Archev to explain who Jonny is .....


T1 Terry

No idea but I wish I could saw a fiddle

 

[5teep]

Somebody asked ChatGPT

 

[salty]

 

[MG Clive]

Talking of dogs, I've been teaching mine to beg, and he's doing ok so far, yesterday he came home with £16.50.

 

[Ian Key]

Reminds me of the old joke about the wife going out on the game because they were very short of money and she comes back with £21.50. The husband asks "Who gave you 50p" and she replies "They all did"

 

[MG Clive]

I'm also trying to teach him to fetch tools from the shed, he's not perfect at it, but he knows the drill.

 

[Ian Key]

I taught my dog to go to the local bookies. He did win a lot.

 

[salty]

 

[T1 Terry]

Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular

I think we can all learn something from this .....

Shut up and just get on with it

T1 Terry

 

[salty]

 

[Archev]

View attachment 43677

It appears to stammer a wee bit, but otherwise serviceable.

 

[Ian Key]

A woman fed up with her boyfriend having no money asks "Do you drink beer?
He replies "Yes"
"How often do you drink?"
"Every day"
"How many?"
"Three" he replies.
She then says "Three beers a day is £12, seven days a week is £84, fifty-two weeks a year is £4,368 and I've known you for 12 years so that's £52,416. Do you know you could have bought a MG IM6 for that.

He then asks "Do you drink?"
"No" she replies
"Where's your IM6 then?

 

[T1 Terry]

The guests are all booked into the same hotel resort where the wedding will take place, between a 97yr old fairly wealthy man and his 23 yr old nurse ....
There are a few concerns whispered between the guests that she might finish him off on the wedding night and are up early to see if he makes it down for breakfast.
The young bride staggers from the lift to the breakfast area, looking like she'd just finished an ultra marathon and one of the cheeky blokes mentions just that .....
After collapsing into a chair she turns to the crowd that have gathered around and say, It was an ultra marathon, when he said he'd been saving up for the last 10 yrs, I thought he meant his money, I snuck out while he was using the bathroom .....

T1 Terry

 

[Archev]

The guests are all booked into the same hotel resort where the wedding will take place, between a 97yr old fairly wealthy man and his 23 yr old nurse ....
There are a few concerns whispered between the guests that she might finish him off on the wedding night and are up early to see if he makes it down for breakfast.
The young bride staggers from the lift to the breakfast area, looking like she'd just finished an ultra marathon and one of the cheeky blokes mentions just that .....
After collapsing into a chair she turns to the crowd that have gathered around and say, It was an ultra marathon, when he said he'd been saving up for the last 10 yrs, I thought he meant his money, I snuck out while he was using the bathroom .....

T1 Terry

Old dogs - life

 

[salty]

Many a true word spoke in jest.

 

[Black estate]

 

[salty]

 

[salty]

 

[MG Clive]

Best goalie ever.

 

[T1 Terry]

Bloke has the window seat on a long distance plane trip, just as the last passengers are boarding, a man sits in the other outside seat and a dog sits in the middle seat.
The bloke looks at the dog, then at the other bloke, then back at the dog and continues this until the man says something regarding the dog.
He explains the he works in conjunction with the airline and the dog is a trained sniffer dog ....
The window seat passenger is still a tad sceptical, but no sooner is the plane airborne and the seatbelt lights go out, the dog is sent off to walk the plane ....

Within a few mins, the dog sits beside a female passenger for a few seconds, then returns to his handler and put one paw on his leg .....
This has raised the interest of the passenger and the handler says the dog has identified the female passenger has marijuana in her possession and he will record the seat number and pass it onto the next steward that walks past so they can identify the female by the seat number and alert the authorities when they land .....
While he's passing on this information, the dog continues his walk around the plane .... After a while, he returns to an older male sitting further up the plane, sits beside him for a few seconds, then returns to his handler and puts both front paws on his leg .... ah, good boy the handler says, that means he's sensed cocaine on that particular male .... same reporting procedure .....
The dog is gone for a good half hr, then comes bounding back at full pace, jumps into the middle seat and promptly craps all over it.
The passenger is totally disgusted by this turn of events .... the handler says very nervously as his voice is breaking...... he's found a bomb .......

T1 Terry